Healing The Sexless Marriage
When we get married, we often have expectations of romance, great sex and deep intimacy well into our golden years. We think when we get married that love is enough to keep us happily ever after. Love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. Communication, appreciation, recognizing that our partner isn’t perfect, as well as a deep sexual connection with passion is key. After children are raised, we sometimes look at our partner and wonder where the passion went? Is it possible to rekindle that desire, passion and pleasure that seems to have vanished?
No matter what our age is, a healthy marriage involves affection,
kissing, holding hands and yes…… SEX! If you are the one not wanting sex, but can walk, talk and are not incapacitated due to a serious illness or disease you are withholding love, affection and abusing your partner. The reality may feel harsh? Try to put yourself in the jilted party’s boxers.
The reality of a sexless marriage is that you are in a relationship traditionally based on love. Love involves support, appreciation and physical expressions of love; physical touching, kindness, and sex. When we continue to refuse advances for sex, our partner can feel unloved, unappreciated and unworthy. Self esteem can suffer when the sex valve has been turned off for a very long time. If you don’t want sex, there can be myriad of reasons why.
For the party being left out in the cold, sexually, it can feel like you have been emotionally abandoned, shut out and shut down. For
men, sex is a frequent need that allows them to become more vulnerable and affectionate afterward. Sex opens the door to deeper conversations and bonding. It is also a sign of love.
Women can feel that their men are too focused on the physical act and not enough in their hearts for us to open our legs to them. However, men often close up like a flower without the outlet of sex to open their hearts. They operate in complete reverse to women. Women need romance and their partner to be vulnerable. Men won’t open up until after they have had sex. We are wired with cross-purposes to one another.
Following are some reasons sex has fallen by the wayside:
- Your heart is closed.
- You are angry or resentful about something that your partner is either doing or NOT doing.
- You are bored with your marriage or maybe your life.
- Your relationship has a rift, that needs to be mended
- You are not expanding and growing together.
- You don’t feel attractive and/or sexy.
- You are not feeling attracted to your partner.
- You are unhappy with your life.
- You are not happy with you.
- You realize you don’t even LIKE your partner.
- You expect your relationship to support you and make you happy, and it isn’t.
- You are in blame. When you look at your partner, you complain in your head about how they are acting or not acting and wish they were different.
- Your hormones have dwindled down to almost nothing.
- You have just given birth, or are breast feeding and sex is the last thing on your mind.
- Your cholesterol is too low. Cholesterol is needed to produce hormones. A diet rich in fats, coconut oil, avocado, nuts can be helpful.
- You are depressed. When we are depressed our brain is deficient in serotonin. Serotonin is needed for healthy sexual function.
- You feel your partner smells funny, or isn’t clean.
- Sex may not feel pleasurable to you. Women who have been non-orgasmic for years may find sex more of a chore than pleasure. Being non-orgasmic can be caused by past sexual assault, rape or molestation. Healing the frozen fear within the body will remedy this situation. (Read the chapter in Orgasm For Life on Sexual Healing.)
- You may prefer the same sex over the opposite sex and have not realized the truth. If you can’t bring yourself to make love to your partner, look inside. Is it them, or you?
When we focus on how our partner is not making us happy, we are not taking responsibility for our own happiness. The happier we are with ourselves, the happier we will be with our partner. Making the choice to throw away the magnifying glass and stop making our partner WRONG or nitpicking on all that they are not doing is the first step to getting out of our heads.
Meditation Before Sex
Meditation together before sex can calm the mind, get you both centered and make the act of love-making more conscious and sacred. Your spirits can come together in unison before your bodies
do making your sexual experience much more connected and powerful. Sit on the bed facing one another, cross-legged if you can. Spend 5 to 10 minutes connecting heart-to-heart before you ever touch one another. Place your hand flat on your chest touching your collar bone. You will know your hand is in the correct position if you can lower your chin and touch your hand. Breathe in deeply, exhale completely 5 times. You will feel a tingling in your hand when you have connected with your heart. Now look each other in the eyes, keeping your hand on your chest. Smile a little while you look upon the face of the one you fell in love with. Now close your eyes and sit in silence breathing slowly for about 3 minutes. You can do this meditation naked or clothed. Do whatever is most comfortable for you.
Eye gazing can help you connect in a different way, if you can actually look each other in the eye and hold your eye gaze for two minutes, you may begin to laugh. That’s okay too. You would be surprised at how many married couples can’t do this simple exercise.
having sex. Sex changes as we age. We might not be clearing the dining room table to have sex any longer, but some people do. Following are some sexy suggestions to help you spice up your relationship and get the home fires hot again:
- Romantic gestures for both parties. Flowers, chocolates, special dinners are not only for newlyweds. Romantic gestures who that you appreciate your partner. Appreciation is a key component of love.
- Laughter and fun. Couples that laugh and have fun in the bedroom experience deeper intimacy in their relationship. Sex does not have to be all business. Play, dress-up and change it up!
- Play. Play is a component of healthy living and relationships. Staying connected to our inner child keeps us young, playful and in touch with our true selves. There are all sorts of games the two of you can play to bring the element of play into your bedroom.
- Play sexy games. Sexy Scrabble, Kama Stura, Cards Against Humanity can all keep you laughing and give you new ideas for sex play as well as break the ice to get you back in the swing of an active sex life.
- Great communication and the ability to express what you would like to do in the bedroom is the number one way to change things up. Talking about sex needs to happen outside of the bedroom, over a glass of wine, or in front of a roaring fire. Make it light,
fun and be open. It could change your life in beautiful and unusual ways. Couples that have a habit of shutting down or storming off have less success in the long-run.
- Stimulate Your Minds. Having sexy, intelligent conversations about subjects that matter is an important facet of a healthy, balanced relationship. Discussing subjects that turn each of you on can help to ignite desire before you begin to undress.
- Accepting your partner’s flaws and faults is what unconditional love is all about. Maybe your partner isn’t the best lover in the world. Letting them know what they do well as well as what you love that they do in bed, offers encouragement. Once you have given compliments, you can ask for something to be a little different, “harder, softer or more rapid.” Nitpicking about every little thing they do, may be hard to take once you are naked. We are never so vulnerable as when we have no clothes on. Be kind, generous with compliments.
- Respecting each other as individuals. Perhaps your partner likes to be touched in a way you don’t. Allow them their little fetish, as long as it doesn’t hurt or harm you. Maybe they like to
have their anus stimulated and you don’t like that. Remember unless you have tried it, don’t knock it.
- Buy some sexy lingerie. When women have new lingerie we feel beautiful. Want some sex, buy her something beautiful.
- Massage can be a great way to initiate sex again after a long dry spell. Offer sex to your partner with no strings attached. Just a massage to begin to touch again.
- Sex does not always have to include penetration. As both sexes
age, dryness, a penis that is less than stiff can make intercourse more challenging. Sometimes just holding your partner while each of you mutually masturbates can offer a change of pace without the worry about an erection or lubrication.
for couples, individually, as well as assistance with addictions to PMO. Her private e-mail isJenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com