I Used To Feel Bat-Shit Crazy
There was a time when I felt absolutely bat shit crazy. Yes! I thought I was insane. To look at me, you have thought I had it together, but I didn’t.
Instead of peaceful thoughts in my head, I had multiple voices screaming at me. There were conflicting thoughts unraveling in my mind. I was so anxiety and worry-filled, I had to take two Benadryl at night to sleep. When I didn’t, I spent hours awake in the night worrying. “Will I have enough for my mortgage? Will my sons fight after school while I am at work? Will I get fired for being habitually late? Will I ever be happy? Is anyone ever going to love me?”
We can never run away from the truth. The truth will find us. It shows up in our parenting style. It is evident in our insecurity or perfectionism. The more we try to be run away the more we suffer. I suffered greatly. My negativity made me sick. I had created two auto-immune diseases and severe depression because I avoided processing my emotion. For those who have not done personal inner work processing an emotion is the healthy way to move what we are feeling. Rather than reacting out our emotions, sitting with them, allowing them to be like a blanket around us, breathing into them and feeling them fully is the healthy way to process. When we stop running and begin to feel, the insanity goes away. I did this mostly alone.
Rich’s father beat his mother in front of their children when Rich was 8. This imprint left an indelible impression he spent a lifetime trying to eradicate. He asked me why he was never able to move past his rage. His avoidance of the truth kept him stuck. He could never admit that his father hit his mother.
She confided in me that her husband chased her through neighbor’s houses like in some dark movie, then confronted her in their living room in front of their children and punched her in the jaw. He hit her so hard that her dentures broke into three pieces. Yet, Rich could never admit that this happened. The same way he never admitted that he hit me. He died at 52 feeling he had failed miserably at life.
Rich never told me I looked beautiful. Instead, he critiqued everything I did, including the hot meals I lovingly prepared every single night of our marriage. I am an excellent cook. Rich could not do more than heat up pizza. Because his self-esteem was in the toilet, he criticized me to make himself feel better.
Wounded People Wound Others
When we are hurting, we lash often out and hurt others. Rich was in emotional pain. Hurting me, punching walls, breaking my beautiful things made him feel better in some way. He had no idea how to process his emotions. At this time, I was in such fear, I couldn’t help him either.
Guns and Roses
During the time we lived in our grand home, I hid Rich’s guns. I was so afraid he would shoot my daughter and I while we slept. I worked while he stayed at home in front of his computer. Rich refused to allow me to put our daughter in day care, so I asked his mother to move in with us. She confided in me about her marriage on occasion, but would run to Rich with anything I told her in confidence. What was wrong with Rich, you ask? Good question. While his houses were sitting unfinished, he and his mother would call me at work to ask what was for dinner?
Neither of them could put together a meal for our family. He refused to work, even when a business contact of mine offered him a drywall job. His reply was he had taken his tool belt off and would not do physical construction again. I stayed in this hellish marriage for nearly 10 years. Why? I was afraid he would kill me. If you want the whole story, you can read it in my first book; Odyssey Victim To Victory.
His family has no idea of the terror I experienced and blamed me for the divorce and even his death. To this day, they have nothing to do with me or Ariel. Not only has she lost a father, she has lost an entire family.
Rich encouraged me to open my own business. I was doing faux finishing and landscaping in our grand home. I tried both on for size and since I had become a Georgia Master Gardener, chose
landscaping as my profession. I owned and operated For Heaven Scapes, Ltd for 11 years. I was passionate about nature, it was a natural for me. Had it not been for Rich having his own residential home-building business and encouraging me, I would never have done this. I am grateful to him for his encouragement and helping me move past my fears about moving into the world in a bigger way.
Rich was the first man who was aligned with me in his spiritual beliefs. I had always been at odds with my partners about my beliefs and their religion. Having someone who understood Metaphysics helped me to grow in our relationship, rather than stagnate. Having someone we can feel aligned with on levels is what we are all wanting. Being able to connect spiritually as well as emotionally, physically with similar value systems. Although his control issues kept me feeling small, upon our divorce I felt a huge sense of freedom and aliveness.
Our Beautiful Daughter
I had always wanted a daughter. I had prayed for her many years. Children are a tremendous blessing for us in so many ways. My daughter has been another great teacher of mine. Those who think
they can’t learn from their children are missing out and have huge egos. Ariel is creative, born awake, knows who she is and speaks her truth. There is something here about apples and trees, falling.
There Is Always More
Our relationships provide the greatest learning. We find the triggers that upset us. Those who know us best can push our buttons easily. My buttons certainly got pushed. Things from my past were coming up, haunting me. My childhood molestation kept playing out in my life. Even though I had forgiven my perpetrators, my cellular memory was sending out a beacon of victimhood out into the ethers, boomeranging back to me. After my divorce from Rich, I spent ten years in deep self-introspection. It was not easy. I made great strides and then fell backward. I attracted a man after Rich who was an alcoholic and abused me verbally when he was drunk. There was a history of alcholism in my family, even though my mother was in denial about it. My mother rarely drank, but was addicted to pain. My father quit smoking and drinking cold turkey.
Our family’s history cannot be escaped. We cannot run away from it, thinking if we don’t talk to our parents or siblings that our issues will resolve themselves. They don’t. My trapped emotions were still playing in the background. Which is why the energy work I do is so valuable. The stuck emotions in the cellular memory are removed.
Thoughts that loop around causing a downward spiral are a form of addiction. When we are in our addiction we are in the middle of a victim triangle. Sometimes we are the victim, other times we play the perpetrator. Often we become the rescuer, thinking we are helping others by fixing them.
There are many types of addictions. I feel like I have experienced them all at some point in my life. Codependency is the biggest one so many of us face. To be free of addictions is so amazing. Self-love is the cornerstone for healing so that your life is one freedom, happiness, and joy. When you are happy with you, your life becomes easy, your addictions fall away and love shows up. Relationships become easy when we don’t need another to shore up our self-esteem, or make us feel whole. Now I guide others to find their truth, and the love they are searching for. With loving compassion, I help you begin to see yourself through different eyes so that you can find the love that is you, and the life you have always dreamed of.
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters can be heard on All You Need Is Love on Thursday at 8:00 PM EST/ 5:00 PM PST. She is in private practice helping others live a life of freedom, happiness and inner peace. To contact her for a Free 30-minute private session to see if her work is a good fit for you, e-mail her here. To purchase Orgasm For Life click here. Following are some of Jennifer’s certifications.