The Sexless Marriage
By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither. —Steve Martin
The quote above is an excerpt from Orgasm For Life – the book.
One of the reasons I wrote Orgasm For Life, was because of the number of clients I had that were not having sex with their spouses. This book was written to bring greater understanding within relationships, so that the communication is better. When communication outside the bedroom improves, communication inside the bedroom improves, therefore, sex also improves. Orgasm for Life, will change your heart, mind and make you laugh.
Women have many reasons in their minds for saying and emphatic “No!” From feeling that their husband is more like a little boy than a man, to “he’s not connected to his heart,” these reasons are excuses for a deeper underlying cause.
Understanding the opposite sex is important. The problem is that while women are nagging at their husbands for other issues, the men tune out their women and no longer hear what they are saying. An example, of not listening is what I was recently told by a client. Her husband of over 20 years sends her red roses for Mother’s Day and her birthday. This sounds sweet, considerate and thoughtful. Her children however, have listened. They know what she likes. She loves pink roses, not red. If your husband does not listen to what you say and like, how is he going to hear what you want in bed? Would he even care? If your husband is so disconnected and unaware of his wives’ wishes, why would you want to have sex with him? There is a huge lesson here for men.
Being a woman myself, it is a rare man who treats a woman with respect, opens doors, walks around to the car door to open it for her, treating her like a lady. After years of marriage, this chivalrous behavior is often long-forgotten. Women begin to feel like yesterday’s news rather than a gem, or a Goddess who is revered, adored and loved. Take a good look at how you treat each other, before you complain about not having sex. What could you do differently. How could you treat your partner with more caring, respect and honoring? Is your partner having orgasms with regularity? Do you even know or care? Sex is an act that is two-sided, both parties give and receive pleasure. If only one person is receiving the ultimate pleasure of an orgasm, something is amiss.
Asking questions outside the bedroom is important. What feels good to you? What can I do differently? How can I pleasure you differently? Have you ever had a conversation about how the sex is? If not, why not? A marriage is supposed to be one of deep intimacy and connection. Intimacy is deepened when both parties are able to love and accept the other unconditionally, be completely transparent (authentic) so that trust is developed. Respect figures prominently for both parties. When one of the other is constantly being critiqued, bashed, or abused, sex is the furthest thing from their minds.
I often hear that sarcasm is used to communicate an uncomfortable issue. Sarcasm has no place in a loving relationship. It is a passive aggressive move, couched in humor. Saying afterward, “I was just kidding,” does not negate the slight or put-down. Humor does not soften the blow. If you are using sarcasm or “humorous put-downs” take a look at why you can’t speak the truth openly. Is your comment necessary, or are you putting down your partner to make you feel better about yourself?
Women need intimacy to have sex, Men need sex to have intimacy.
There is no doubt that men and women are wired differently. Women need romance, thoughtful gestures, and to be told they look beautiful. I have interviewed hundreds of men and found that many will never tell their wife they look beautiful out of their own fear that she will then have an affair. This is the man’s insecurity, rather than an issue with the woman. In one particular case, this husband was complaining about his wife not wanting to have sex with him after 36 years. I asked him when the last time was he told her she was beautiful? He replied, “Never!” He was so insecure about himself, he would never tell her she was beautiful.
The opposition of our wiring can lead to mis-understanding and stand-offs. Where one person is vehement in their perspective and the other perpetuates theirs. We can win the battle with this thought process and lose the marriage. Think about your perspective and thought process. Is being right, worth it? As yourself is this issues something that will matter in 5 years? If the answer is NO, go ahead and make love, it is a lot more fun than fighting!
Sex Is Not One-Sided
Historically, sex has been an act where men pleasure themselves with women, while women just lay there. A woman’s pleasure was the last thing on most men’s minds. In many cases, not much has changed. Women need to be warmed up to the idea of sex. Women are not usually ready to go, just because they are wet. Women need foreplay, touch, caressing. Most women need 20 to 40 minutes of stimulation to get to the pleasure palace of Disneyland – the BIG O. After 20 years of not having what they need, many women are signing off from doing the horizontal mambo. Women need to have at least one orgasm before penile insertion occurs. If this is not happening, many women spend a lifetime not having orgasms.
Reasons Women Say No
- Lack of Romance, Intimacy, Deep Conversations and Caring from their partner.
- Lack of Interest due to low hormones.
- Past hurts, insults or abuse.
- Lack of consideration for their feelings.
- No Heartfelt Apology from spouse for number 5.
- Tired of not having an orgasm – “What’s the point?”
- Does’t feel heard, or understood.
- Feels man doesn’t listen when she says what she needs or wants in bed.
- Issues unresolved outside the bedroom, interfering with thoughts about sex. Women can’t have sex when angry or upset with their partner. (Men on the other hand can and do.)
- Too much stress. Women need to get out of their heads to have sex. Stress and too many things undone in the household, or work can interfere with thoughts and feelings of letting go.
How To Overcome A Sexless Marriage
- Listen with an open heart to your partner.
- Communicate without blame.
- Repair the issues that are outstanding. Sometimes you need to hire a coach, therapist or psychologist to overcome these issues. Choose someone who will be a positive influence and not take sides.
- Bring romance back into the relationship.
- When both parties are ready, begin with hand-holding, eye gazing and appreciation of each other. Appreciation is one of the biggest issues lacking in marriages where sex is an issue.
- Respect each other. Mutual respect must be in place for a healthy sex life.
- Build trust. When sex has diminished a breach of trust has occurred. Repairing and re-building trust takes time. Be patient.
- Read Orgasm For Life. There are hundreds of great tips for repairing, re-building and re-kindling the fires of passion. Orgasm For Life on Amazon
Want to hear the latest interview with Jennifer on The Love Doctor? Here is the link to the show from Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is the author or Orgasm For Life and Odyssey Victim to Victory. Both books are available on Amazon, as well as her website: http://www.JenniferElizabethMasters.com
Jennifer is a catalystic coach, compassionate healer and wise teacher. She is a Spiritual mentor for many and has performed thousands of energy clearings for clients since 2007. To schedule a FREE discovery session to find out if you would be a good fit for her work, you can do so HERE
George Carlin did a stand-up routine on men and women. He said that men are stupid and women are crazy. He sited many reasons why men are stupid. The above example is one of them. Men simply don’t care enough about their partner to listen to them. They are so busy in their own heads thinking about themselves, that they can’t hear their spouse. Although George was a hard-hitting comic, most people are unaware of the fact that he was happily married. George Carlin loved his wife. She died in 1997. He missed her terribly. Known for a foul mouth, if you listen to this bit, there are a few “F” bombs. However, the underlying truth is eye-opening.